My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
You Might Also Like
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Sell your car
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”