@DaddyJew: My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I'm checking his room for drugs
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@pippydrydocking: Sorry I went down on your moms sister at your BBQ... I guess you could say I'm... [lowers shades] An aunt-eater.
@robdelaney: Just took $20 out of my friend Martin's wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
@OneTrickTofani: *proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean* "I'll still marry you" No. I'm married to the sea now *dives in*