My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
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The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.