My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
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[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I鈥檇 like the one by the mall, please.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father鈥檚 Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I鈥檝e soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That鈥檚 the question you wanna ask?
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 馃檪
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Check out the legs on this baby
It鈥檚 legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you鈥檙e supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
There鈥檚 a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.