My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
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MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
This kinda thing happens to me often
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.