My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
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i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”