@Brianhopecomedy: My 5 year old hasn't said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
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@Jacksawyerr: If I got kidnapped I'd continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I'd die but at least they'd suffer too.
@thenatewolf: *Slides a five across the bar* Bartender: Did you... Did you break this off our sign out front? Me: (Confidently) tap water please.
@TjSmooth0: I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I'm worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
@JonnyStallone: If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say "in Jesus name amen"