@Brianhopecomedy: My 5 year old hasn't said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
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@hell_homer: kicked out of church. I yelled "YEAH WE "HAVE A MARIA", SHE'S MY AUNT, WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING IT WEIRD". mustve gotten too close 2 the truth
@ItsAndyRyan: Roman 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with Roman 2: mmm? Roman 1: don't be ridiculous, not that many
@IamEveryDayPpl: Cop: *searching my car* "WHERE IS IT? I KNOW IT'S HERE!" Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd* "IT'S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!"
@BrettDruck: I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I've accidentally leaned on a light switch.