@Brianhopecomedy: My 5 year old hasn't said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
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@david8hughes: [end of 1st round of my UFC debut] Corner man: how you feeling? Me [out of breath]: horny Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
@thejamietighe: *rides in on giant turtle* Me:Sorry I'm late. Boss:You rode that to work? Me:No, went to the zoo. *phone rings* Me:That'll be the zoo.
@mattsurely: When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means 'only married' like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage