@Brianhopecomedy: My 5 year old hasn't said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
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@simoncholland: [sitting at a table] Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across. Me: crosses out and writes new number *thermostat negotiations*
@DamienFahey: Piss me off in the grocery store and I'll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
@ElgatoEsmio: [DUI checkpoint] Cop: I'm gonna need you to follow my finger Me: As long as it doesn't tweet inspirational stuff