My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
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You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.