My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
You Might Also Like
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man