My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
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What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
SF is the wild wild west man
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
This why you should mind your business
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
The news
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.