The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
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Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
so i’m at the stock market right
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Potatoes were such a good idea
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.