Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
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[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.