My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
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Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*