My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
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Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.