@Brianhopecomedy: My 5 year old thinks that there's a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won't get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
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@QwertyJones3: If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they'd lose the alarm and just announce that there's free food by the stairs.
@Knob_ish: Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
@TheHyyyype: WIFE: what the hell happened here? ME: i broke an egg [earlier] ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit