@Brianhopecomedy: My 5 year old thinks that there's a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won't get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
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@envydatropic: I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
@pauleggleston: I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
@kelkulus: India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That's a heck of a place to put a call centre.
@IamEnidColeslaw: the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials