My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
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It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again