My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
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If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit