My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
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sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.