My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
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My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.