WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
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My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
I’m ready for Halloween this year
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.