Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
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Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell