if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
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If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
@funTweeters
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
is nasa ok
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Lucky old June.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”