If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
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I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.