Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
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It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
LOOOOOOL
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.