My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
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Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
can’t talk my ride’s here
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
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Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.