My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
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My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.