My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
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do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
@ candidates for local office
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.