@wallin_monica: My 5y/o just threw a 15 min fit because she doesn't want me to get old. I had to tell her if she took a bath it would help me stay young
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@TheCatWhisprer: On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what's up.
@david8hughes: [mattress store] Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh Clerk: not really Me: what would u recommend to them tho
@CoolCamel69: *pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview* Nexft queffstun pleeazse "Umm. Your biggest weakness?" Panfccakes
@senorwinces: Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.