My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
You Might Also Like
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him