My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
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Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.