@Lovestained555: My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
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@weismanjake: When someone tells me to have a safe flight it's like ok I will do my best but just so you know I am not the pilot of the airplane
@painted_eel: *whispers to old lady at Starbucks* one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
@TheWadest: Don't EVER let anyone tell you you're not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
@Moldy_Jellybean: Just when I manage to convince myself that I am a superior and more intelligent being, I walk into a door.