@Lovestained555: My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
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@ArfMeasures: WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn't you? ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
@Vodkantots: My neighbor with the Confederate flag is harmless after all. He just drove off in the cutest little ghost costume.
@DammitLarry1: The Fat Girl's Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse: If you see me running & there's no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.