My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
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Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
One of the best
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.