My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
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imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime