@AmericanGent69: My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she's using it.
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@asanders1972: A 22 year old girl said to me "there's NO WAY you are 41" I put her in my pocket and took her home. She's mine now.
@CaptainObtuse: Just printed out 50 copies of today's weather forecast to carry around with me today because I'm just not in the mood for small talk.
@amydillon: To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says "Don't worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains."
@david8hughes: [Joseph & Mary answers door to god] "Mary, you're looking well." [Joseph puts arm around Mary & raises an eyebrow] "Jesus, your dad's here."