My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
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*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
San Francisco has too many rules
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.