My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
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Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.