My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
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I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature