@VaultsOpen: My 6 year old nephew is legitimately pissed off that there is no actual monkey in the monkey bread.
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@TheDailyManning: Dear girls, Santa saw your Facebook page, you're getting clothes and a dictionary for Christmas.
@LoveNLunchmeat: My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I'm always seeing double. It's a nightmare! Optometrist: Ma'am you have identical twins...
@joeljeffrey: My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I dont get women.