Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
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my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Can’t, holding a grudge
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?