My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
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‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog