My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
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I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Saw online –
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Mornin
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again