At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
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If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
In space, no one can hear…
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog