My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
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Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine