My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
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Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
#NeverForget
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat