My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
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Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR