My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
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Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty