@timdonakowski: My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
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@slyoung5: Lady came to front door & asked if I'd donate to new pool they're building for kids. I told her to hang on & came back with a glass of water
@jwoodham: Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
@catlikethiefx0: Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn't wave back so now she's got a new album coming out tomorrow.
@BookisherBunny: When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.