My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
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Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so