My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
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My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Admin smashed it 😂
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen