I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
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October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Me trying to walk in a dream
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
#Caturday
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.