@The_JRM: My 6yo daughter's teacher just gave me a "Most Improved Ponytail" award.
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@BCMontgo: [concert venue] Manager: Start the fog machine! Me: *gulps* Fog? *hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
@ConanOBrien: One time I wore my brother's t-shirt, and my dad asked if I was dressing up as his favorite child for Halloween.
@DaddyJew: [at daycare] Me: I'm here to pick up my son Daycare: what's he look like? Me: *points to my face* D: oh. Ok