ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
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*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
I hope Alan is OK
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.