My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
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You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.