My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
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Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em