My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
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Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
prepare for carbonated trouble
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.