My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
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[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”